"Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe…" (John Lennon)

In spite of this warning against verbal pollution from over 25 years ago the number of words used has increased dramatically in recent years. By mobile phone, fax, email, newspaper, newscaster, politician, teacher or graffiti, words inundate us. The vast majority of words have no lasting value and are produced without thought and received without thought. However, they do have impact and are used to heal, to inform, to kill time, to persuade or to hurt. They also have an end-purpose and are spoken for the benefit of the listener, sometimes for the speaker but rarely for mutual benefit. The Four Conversations

Words come together to create conversations – conversations are defined as words with a purpose. For our purposes here there are four types of conversation:

1. The conversation that takes place for the sake of the speaker (the “Persuasion” Conversation) This type of conversation contains communication intended to bring about the will of the word-maker not the receiver. At its extreme it can easily become a monologue and is the form of language most often used by those in authority or leadership roles where there is a disparity of power. Power within this conversation resides with the speaker, and because this is essentially one way, the level of relational depth achieved is low. We might describe this form of conversation as dictation, or direction, or authority. Its purpose is to realise the intention of the speaker.

2. The conversation that takes place for the sake of the relationship (the “Collaborative” Conversation)

The Collaborative Conversation focuses on the relationship and is characterised by mutuality, sharing, listening, being with, being for and intimacy. Often it is a mixture of sympathy and small-talk. Rarely are difficult matters carefully addressed. While there are amazingly deep Collaborative Conversations, it is all too easy for them to contain small talk and a level of communication that does moves beyond gossip or abstract topics like the weather or sport. Participants can also, very often, conspire against addressing topics that may feel unsafe or difficult for one party or another. Instead, they find ways to justify, excuse or deny the importance of certain problems.

3 The conversation that takes place for the sake of the receiver (The “Coaching” Conversation)

This conversation centres on the needs of another person. The Coaching Conversation says: “Let me know what you need, and I’ll help you find the solution”. It is often the conversation of the helping professions where one person facilitates the needs of another. Clearly, there is often a power imbalance between helper and the one being helped. The content of the conversation (unlike the other conversations above) often entails a greater degree of purpose and depth.

4. The conversation that takes place for the sake of growth (The “Thoughtful” Conversation)

This is the conversation whose purpose is to develop the potential of one or both participants. It is a difficult conversation to have if both have not chosen it and if power is not shared. At the same time the conversation has purpose. A Thoughtful Conversation seeks to enter the risky territory that friends avoid and looks at purpose, intention, development and what stops a person from moving on. It’s a difficult conversation as well as a vital one.

The features of the “Thoughtful Conversation” are risk, listening, depth, attention, empathy, integrity, honesty, care and engagement and the philosophy can be summed up with this notion:

“How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?”

By saying it out loud in a coherent way we are more easily able to understand it.

“Thoughtful” seems to be an appropriate way to describe this form of dialogue. The content I typically focused at a deeper level requiring more thought and consideration than most conversations, and also participants are required to think carefully about how they engage, or intervene, with each other in the process.

Thoughtful conversations offer an opportunity for an open, trusting, uncritical discussion on any topic. That opportunity only comes where the listener offers certain conditions: active listening, authenticity and understanding and an absence of judging.

A Thoughtful Conversation

I was recently working with a client who was facing redundancy. He was primarily anxious about loss of income but this was complicated by ambivalence about the organisation and the work he was doing. Our conversation unearthed a mass of complication based around the possible short-term outcomes. Talking through it together enabled my client to distinguish between current decisions and those that would not actually become choices until other prior decisions had been taken by his employer and himself. Having done this my client saw that he only had one choice to make at that point and that the process was a sequence of connected choices rather than a mass of conflicts. The Thoughtful Conversation allowed my client, within a fairly short space of time, to gain control, make choices and move forward, rather than remain in paralysis.

The features of Thoughtful Conversations include:

• Listening: with a listener repeating the important elements, the speaker can hear their own words and the idea then exists in its own right, free to be challenged, examined and modified. When I hear my thoughts spoken back to me I can ask questions such as:

“Is that really what I meant to say?” “Is it that simple?” “Is it that complex?” “How do I feel about that?” “What are the implications of that for me?”

It’s important that the listener does not reach a conclusion first. It can be easy for someone else, unburdened by the detail and complexity of the issues and people involved, to see a way through to an answer or explanation but to offer it is to deny the speaker the chance to arrive at their own answer. The listener’s answer is, by definition, the wrong answer, because as much as the action steps to take are important, more important is the process of reaching and owning the decision.

• Being Non-Judgemental: A good listener in a thoughtful conversation never judges. It is for the speaker to choose their own path and it is not the responsibility of the listener to decide on the quality of the decision.

Knowing that the listener will not criticise or disempower them, the speaker is free to drop their defences and address the weaknesses that may be present. When they are able to do this they are much more likely to change, resolve the mistake or do things better the next time. The opportunity to do this is rare in the boardroom where a bad decision can seriously impact upon other members. This encourages defensive behaviour that does not facilitate personal improvement.

• Trusting: In order to enable the speaker to be open, the listener must demonstrate their “realness” by modelling honesty and openness. There is no “professional behaviour” - a character that the listener gets into. They are as free to joke and laugh, or express their own weaknesses, fears and concerns as they are to reflect, question and challenge those of the speaker.

Sometimes a thoughtful conversation has a mistake at its core, thus the conversation may have a confessional and cathartic element to it. With trust lying at the heart of the relationship, the speaker is able to explore difficult issues such as failings and weakness.

• Empathy: In for the speaker move forward they must not just feel heard, but also understood. While no listener can be expected to truly feel what the speaker feels when they talk about a particular topic, it is important for them, as far as possible, to aim to put themselves in the shoes of the speaker and try to see the world from the speakers perspective, rather than their own.

The Chief Executive who receives a resignation letter will have a different reaction to it if the last time someone resigned the reason given is a lack of belief in the senior management, compared with someone who has never received such criticism. A good listener will feel the concern and anguish alongside the chief executive who talks about his fear of resignations, even if the listener has never faced this situation.

Empathy differs from sympathy. When we are being sympathetic we hear the words of concern in the listener, but we don’t attempt to feel them. Empathy offers a deeper level of contact and indicates true understanding. Knowing that she has been understood, the listener is able to move on with the conversation quickly and safely.

Conclusion

There are many conversations all with different purposes, different content and encompassing different types of relationships, which involve the way power is used. Thoughtful Conversations offer a way of communicating safely and therefore openly. Openness is the key exploring difficult topics and therefore solving difficult problems.