To me the most precious gift you can bestow on your child, after loving and caring for them, is the gift of "Confidence".

A child with confidence turns into an adult with confidence and an adult with confidence can achieve anything they set their mind and heart to.

When bringing up a child it is very easy to over-worry, over-protect, over-support and over-criticise in a well-intentioned, but misguided, attempt to help them through the obstacles and demands of everyday life.

In order to bestow the gift of confidence on your child it is important to remember to stand back a little and allow your child to learn from their own mistakes.

Of course, you have a responsibility and a duty as a parent to protect your child and ensure they are safe. But you also have a duty as a parent to ultimately make yourself "surplus to requirements" and redundant from your child's life.

This may sound harsh but you ultimately want your child to grow into an independent, confident, happy and successful adult - you do not want to bring up someone who is "tied to the apron strings" and cannot think or do anything for themselves. How can we give our children the gift of confidence whilst still fulfilling our responsibility towards their safety and protection?

The secret is in "risk assessment".

Whatever age your child is and whatever stage they are going through, they will be pushing the boundaries and wanting to try new things. Your child may be a toddler who wants to explore and delve into all your cupboards; your child may be a teenager who wants to stay out later and travel around on public transport unaccompanied. As a responsible parent you should assess the risks and allow your child to go as far as you feel is safe before stepping in and supporting them.

The other secret is "communication".

It is vitally important to talk to your child, no matter how old or young they are they need to be told "WHY" they can do some things and cannot do other things. By knowing WHY you have made a decision, they themselves can think about the reasonableness of your choice.

They may decide to challenge it, and as a parent, you must learn to accept the challenges and be able to justify your decision.

This does not mean that you always have to change you mind and give in to your child, but it does mean that you should be able to explain your decisions.

As your child grows in confidence, they will also grow in assertiveness.

This is good and should not be viewed as insolence or disobedience.

The answer that some parents give, "Because I said so", is of little use when attempting to bestow the gift of confidence on a child.

This answer, by implication, is asking for "blind acceptance" by your child. It also symbolises the parent/child relationship as hierarchical with a dominant parent and a subservient child. This does not nurture confidence and sets a poor role model by implying that the parent cannot articulate or justify decisions except through resorting to a form of domineering bullying in order to get their way. A child who is always being ordered about is not going to develop the power to think for themselves, to reason, to reflect, to articulate their own thoughts or to feel confident and assertive at home, at school or at play.

The foundations laid down in childhood are the foundations that stay with us for the rest of our lives. If you want your child to grow into a confident and successful adult (and who doesn't) you must model and nurture confidence in your child from their earliest days.

Smile and encourage your child to try new things.

Praise their efforts and point out, in a positive way, where they could make things even better.

Let your child make mistakes and allow them to rectify their error without stepping in and doing it for them.

Mistakes are a vital part of the learning process. We all make them and we should all be able to learn from them.

If a child becomes demoralised by thinking that mistakes are "wrong" they will lose confidence in their own ability and will be very reluctant to try again.

Allow your child to talk and express themselves.

You will be surprised by how much goes on inside a young mind.

The parent/child relationship should not be hierarchical it should be nurturing and loving with the parent learning as much from their child as the child does from their parent.

Trust your child.

Allow them to try.

Allow them to make mistakes.

Allow them to talk and communicate.

By doing these things you will be bestowing the gift of confidence onto your child. By standing back a few paces and allowing your child some space to explore and push the boundaries within the safety net of tolerance, support, love and care you will also be providing an excellent role model for the future.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty

But

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness, he learns to show justice
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

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